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MackMine
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Name: mackster
Country: United States
Metro: Wilmington
Gender: Female
Interests: the LORD, my relationship with Him...
also -- writing, reading, singing, music, drawing, art in general, children's literature, newspapers and the media, British culture, Europe in general, traveling, learning, chemistry, medicine, economics, geography, coffee and tea, the fruits of the Spirit, gleaning wisdom from my soul sisters, waiting on the LORD, penguins, ballet... love.
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Media
Message: message me
Member Since:
6/8/2005
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| in my heart, i know that beauty is fading
a coming and going
a moment that's here and passes by
like the headlights of a car
so, why do i feel like hiding my face somedays
and why do i duck my head
or avert my eyes
and does anyone think i'm beautiful?
or do they see those extra pounds i put on over the weekend
from stress eating?
do they notice the extra flab hanging under my neck
like a rooster?
and when i'm trying to be beautiful
my hair always falls flat
and my makeup sweats off
and my shirt rides up my back
and i glance at myself in the glass of a department store window
and try to adjust as i walk by
to no avail
and i wonder
does anyone think i'm beautiful?
and i scold myself for being so vain... because good
Christian girls don't have to be told... they know
"it's the inside that matters"
so why do i still wonder?
and i wonder if other girls wonder too...
and i wonder if boys know we wonder
and i wonder if they know
when i'm trying to be beautiful. | | |
| i'm absolutely in love with the beatles.
my daddy and i went to "across the universe" this weekend. daddy's the BIGGEST beatles' fan this side of the potomac. i'm a close second. we sat on the back row, singing along with melodies that are as familiar as the smell of grandma dorathy's Christmas cookies.
in the movie, one of the actors (max) argued with his father about the idea of having a profession... his father said, "what you do defines who you are," but max retorts, " no, father. who you are defines what you do."
and while it's a cliché line, it resonates then and now. in this society, i still feel like everyone's so concerned about finding their career, their job, their way of making "a living." it starts when we're young and continues, like in college, when we're forced to pick a major when all we want to do is learn a little bit of everything... to taste knowledge and chew on it like saltwater taffy.
here i am, newly graduated, floating around, just seeing what's passing me by. i feel like everyone is furiously swimming, a direction in mind, an island or finishline they have in their viewfinder... but i'm just floating on my back... but at least i'm looking up toward heaven, yeah?
so, i'm feeling like an 8th grader, wondering who they are... that's how i feel tonight. | | |
| i've been reading some good books lately... one being the Bible:) ... and i've been struck with this strange/not-so-strange realization... i have this twisted gargoyle-like thought process that says, "working for minimum wage = bad life; being on MTV = good life"
although i'm a HUGE proponent for dreaming big and reaching for the proverbial stars, i feel like my idea of "success" has become skewn... it's so easy to determine who "should" be happy in books or movies... it's so Charles Dickens. then, why is it that i think i'll only be "living up to my potential" if i have a stellar job, a chauffeur and a talk show with Oprah (as if the O would ever share her show with me!).
my quandry - i've been brain-washed by a society, which thinks a happy life = models + movie stars + junk food + size 0 waist + $$$$$$ + a household name + a hottie on the arm. and for some reason, that list sounds like the beginning of a soap opera with no happy ending rather than what i want - a life of joy.
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| i'm wrestling... not like little girl, handsy-pandsy, kitty fight... like, kick-my-tush, purple bruises and karate kid swan kick to my gut. that's the kind of wrestling i've been enjoying.
so... part of the wrestling match is this incessent punching down of the idea that i have to be on top, have to find a great job, make a great paycheck, nab a great guy, make a great family and put up a great front. but my wrestling starts to come into play... what about living completely abandoned for Christ and for Him alone? who am i trying to impress?
wow. now that's the question... who am i trying to impress? friends? punks who aren't really friends? family? a potential boyfriend? myself?
who cares what my salary is, what my education is, how many guys i've dated, what kind of car i drive... i mean, in the end, who will remember? God. and me. and those aren't the things i want to remember. and i don't think those are the things God really wants from me... | | |
| i watch the stars go by and i'm AMAZED at the utter massiveness of this world, of my God and how small i am in comparison. He is SUCH A GOOD GOD! and so greatly to be praised. Jesus, forgive me for worries, fear and not trusting in YOUR UNFAILING HAND! teach me how to be more like You. amen. | | |
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